At the End of The Day
by nebula2
Summary: Vantika is gone and Julian is back in control of his body but how do you deal with the aftermath of those events. Tag to the episode "The Passenger"


_AN: So this started out as a drabble for a prompt challenge I do and sort of got out of hand. It's definitely over the 500 word limit of the challenge so I decided to post it here, minus the lyric prompts. Hope you enjoy!_

 _AN2: Thanks to my friend PinkAngel for the title idea!_

 ** _Disclaimer: The characters of Deep Space Nine do not belong to me._**

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Julian Bashir felt like he should be outraged at Kajada's easy destruction of what was left of Vantika but he wasn't. Truth be told, he had to admit that he felt relieved that it was truly finished as he stepped through the doorway of Dax's lab and into the corridor. Despite having tried to save him initially, Bashir now understood Kajada's fears. The man truly had been dangerous.

Reaching up to rub the temple of his still aching head reminded Julian of just how dangerous the man had been. The analgesic wasn't working as it should but then perhaps that shouldn't surprise him. It wasn't exactly every day that somebody had part of someone else's consciousness beamed out of their brain.

He couldn't remember actually sharing his mind with Vantika. The criminal had somehow totally pushed his own consciousness aside for his own purposes. He couldn't remember the actions Vantika had made him take. Instead, there were just blank parts of his life where those memories should have been. It was like a room that had been robbed of all the pictures that made that space unique to the individual that lived there.

He had been robbed of part of his life. He had been forced to do things that he would never really do. Apparently forced to attempt to kill one person and actually murder in cold blood someone else. They were actions totally against the oath he had taken as a physician to do no harm.

He felt violated. He felt guilty. He felt humiliated.

But it wasn't his fault. At least that what Kajada, Dax and Sisko were telling him. He wanted to believe them. He wanted to be free of the blame he felt for the actions of Vantika but ultimately, could he ever be. It may have been Vantika pulling the strings, but for anyone who had seen the events unfold, it was he that had been committing the actions. Who was to blame - the consciousness or the body? Was there really a difference?

Reaching the lift, Julian let his hand drop as he stepped onto the lift and gave the computer instructions to take him to his quarters. Leaning against the back of the lift he closed his eyes as it began to move him through the station. The questions were really only making his head hurt more and it wasn't as if there were any answers at hand. It wasn't as if this was a common occurrence. There wasn't exactly anyone who could really understand what he was going through.

He could hear Sisko telling him that what happened wasn't his fault. It was his lifeline in the guilt he was currently feeling. A man had died by his hand. There was no changing that. Nothing he could do could bring that man back. Nothing he could do could make that knowledge right.

One had to take responsibility for one's actions. That had been drilled into him at a young age. It was his body that had pushed Kajada over the railing of Quark's, who had schemed to steal the deuridium, who had helped steal the runabout and taken control of the cargo ship. It was his body that had shot the mercenary who hadn't been willing to commit suicide by going to warp while the ship was being held by the station's tractor beam.

His actions and yet he had no memory of them only the facts of those actions as related to him by the others.

Wasn't he still responsible for his actions?

As the lift came to a stop, Bashir opened his eyes to find himself at his stop. Stepping from the lift, he walked quickly down the corridor toward his quarters. More than anything, he wanted to be somewhere familiar right now. He wanted the sanctuary that his quarters offered.

Reaching the room, he slipped through the doors as soon as there was enough room for him to get through. Locking the door behind him, Julian crossed to the bedroom area of the quarters, hoping that laying down would at least help with the headache even if he couldn't banish the other emotions he was feeling.

As he headed toward his bed, Julian instinctively reached for the stuffed bear that occupied a shelf. Like he had when he was young, the doctor hugged the worn bear close, seeking comfort from something familiar as he sank onto his bed. Instead of offering the comfort it had when he was a child though, the bear only served to remind him of his oath as a doctor. After all, Kukalaka had essentially been his first patient. He had sewed the bear up when his mother would have just tossed the bear out with the trash.

He had been able to lovingly repair and care for the bear all these years and yet he had pulled the trigger to kill simply because that person hadn't been following orders.

Perhaps he didn't deserve to be a doctor. If someone could so easily manipulate him into taking a life, perhaps that was his true nature.

Laying down on his bed, Julian hugged the bear close as he closed his eyes, his active mind conjuring up images from what he had been told of events to fill in those black spaces of his memory. He could feel the tears seeping from his closed eyes, and it wasn't just his headache causing the reaction.

Even as he tried to sort through the storm of emotion within him, he heard the chime of someone at the door. Hoping they would just go away, he ignored the chime, not moving from the bed. He wanted to face someone just as much as he wanted to face himself in a mirror.

After the third chime, Julian heard Jadzia's voice drifting through the door. Though he couldn't quite make out the words, he knew that she wasn't going anywhere until he let her in. Reluctantly, he got to his feet, leaving Kukalaka lying on the bed. He was humiliated enough as it was. The last thing he needed was to be seen hugging a teddy bear by anybody on board the station.

Wiping away the tears, he went to the door and unlocked it. The metal door slid aside, revealing a concerned looking Dax standing on the other side.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Dax said quietly. "Are you?"

Julian shrugged even though he knew the answer to that question was no.

"Do you want to talk?" the trill asked.

"Talk about what? About stealing a runabout and not remembering it? About shooting a man because he wouldn't follow orders?"

"Julian that wasn't you," Dax countered, repeating the reassurances they had tried to convince him of in the lab. She stepped forward, inviting herself into the quarters even as the doctor responded to the statement.

"Wasn't it?" Julian asked as the door slid shut. He held up his hand. "These were the fingers that pulled the trigger."

"You weren't in control."

"I don't think that matters. I took an oath as a physician to heal not to harm. By letting Vantika take control, I broke that oath."

"No, you didn't. Vantika pushed Kajada over that railing in Quark's. Vantika plotted to steal the deuridium. Vantika killed that mercenary for not following his orders. You aren't responsible for those actions anymore than Jadzia is responsible for the actions of previous hosts though I remember what those hosts did thanks to the Dax symbiont or don't you believe that anymore."

"Of course I believe that," Julian replied, recalling the incident she was referring too.

"What you are responsible for is fighting Vantika's control long enough to lower the shields of the ship so we could beam the two of you out of there. That action prevented the contamination of this system with deuridium."

"But if I had fought harder than perhaps all of this could have been avoided?"

Dax shook her head slightly. "We can't fight what we don't know is taken place. We had no idea that Vantika knew how to transfer his consciousness to someone else. Your dedication to saving lives put you in harm's way. No one can fault you for taking that chance Julian."

"Perhaps if I had listened to Kajada in the first place and just let him die it that fire we could have avoided all of this."

"You couldn't have done it. That isn't who you are," Dax replied. "And I for one like you just the way you are. You're a good person and my friend," she told him, reaching out and pulling the young doctor into a friendly embrace.

Julian didn't fight the action. Being hugged by Dax was definitely more comforting that hugging a stuffed animal, and right now he could use all the comfort he could get. Though he had heard her words, convincing himself of them was going to take a little longer.


End file.
